Bad Day, Sweet Dreams

I went to bed with a smile on my face, but people, let me tell you, it took some effort!

I love my job. It allows me to easily go to work with my children and even sneak a hug at lunchtime most days. Believe me; I don’t take this incredible blessing for granted.

There are sometimes I get stretched thin. I’ve always been a give-110% kind of person. I don’t half do anything, which can be exhausting. Trying to be 110% at work, 110% wife and 110% mom, plus the other 110%’s I try…those numbers don’t really add up. I keep trying until I can barely see straight.

If I’m being honest, because doing a good job at work makes me feel like I’m making a difference in the lives of others including the life I provide for my husband and children, it often dominates my thoughts. It must be done well and meet my expectations of excellence. This includes the encouragement and empowerment of the team that reports to me. If productivity is disrupted, it weighs on me heavily.

So suddenly, I don’t sleep at night. Free time seems non-existent.

I pray. I always pray. But there have been times as of late that my prayers have seemed hollow. I don’t seem to be connecting with the right prayers to open myself up to the assistance I know I need. Each morning, among other prayers, I thank God for another opportunity to try again and ask for help acknowledging that I cannot do it without God’s help. I pray this and trudge on not truly opening myself and clearing my mind and heart for true help.

Yesterday I had had it. It felt like every other hour was another slap in the face. By the end of the day I was done. I was frustrated. I missed the time I had given up with my family, but I was too angry with the stress of the day to be able to even give quality time to them, which added to the frustration. So, I grit my teeth and worked to be as good as I possibly could to the people around me. This of course was not anywhere close to 110% but at least I was functioning. Everyone ate, everyone got their baths, everyone did their homework, teeth were brushed and stories were even read. Good night kisses were given and suddenly the house was quiet. I jumped in the bath.

By the time I was dry and in pjs, I realized the whole house was quiet. Andrew had even hit the sack. I knew I wasn’t ready. I needed something; I needed the quiet.

I read.

I watched a movie.

I gave myself some time. Uninterrupted time.

Thank God!

There I was. In my house and ok. My sweet babies were asleep upstairs. I gently checked on them and kissed them a second goodnight. As I slid into bed so as not to wake up Andrew, I curled up and began to dream. A smile came to my lips. Never have I had such delicious memories tell stories one after another in my mind. If this is what meditation allows, oh dear God, I hope I can do it again.

I met Andrew. There we were at the Grove again. I knew everything would be ok. The sun was shining.

Sweet baby Abby. She’s wearing the pink argyle dress and meeting all of Nannie’s friends for the first time. She is asleep in Miss Kathy’s lap.

Oh, William, “What an Ice Guy” you are showing off those baby toes and grinning in the Christmas lights.

We’re walking on a bright fall morning. Pushing up the hill to the playground. Giggles abound, and we all ignore the static on the slide. Round and round we go.

The memories kept coming; these were only a few.

I can’t remember when I drifted to sleep, but I do know there was a smile on my face. It never stopped.

Dear God, I thank you for always leading me back. I know you realize I mean well and that I just don’t always get it right. Thank you for helping me find a way to make it all right again so I can be better for you and yours.

With love and light,

LT

Sick and Happy

So for the past three weeks, I’ve had some sort of bug. It started as a cold and then turned into bronchitis, which knocked me off my feet for several days. To say the least, it has been frustrating. I’ve missed what normalcy can be expected in my day-to-day life. I’ve missed not being able to think straight because I just don’t have the brain power. I’ve missed not being able to help my children, especially reading them stories. I’ve missed conversations. I’ve missed being with people. I’ve missed my job and the people I work with. I’ve missed feeling useful. It’s been a bit of a downer to be honest.

But here are some things that have kept me positive while I’ve been sick…

I’ve loved listening to my husband and children giggle together and hearing them ask him for something first before they ask me. It makes me feel good about the solidarity of their relationships.

I’m proud of my team at work. I was incapable of helping them. They pulled together and made magic happen. It makes me happy that this week brought them greater self-confidence and reaffirmation of what they are doing.

I finished reading Ann Patchett’s collection of short stories and essays entitled “This is the Story of Happy Marriage.” If you relish in good writing, I highly recommend this compilation to you. It also reminds me how thankful I am for the circle of friends who I read and discuss books with regularly. Although I can’t be with them as often as I would like, their presence in my life brings me comfort and solidarity.

I was reminded how much I miss my small group ministry of bible study and the strength I gain from going to church every Sunday. These two disciplines are key to helping me stay centered. Thank God that Calvary Episcopal Church posts their sermons online every week for those of us unable to make it to services. And I know my Thursday Theological Thinkers were praying for me, which helped me feel less lonely during my illness. One kind friend even brought me soup, which warmed my heart immensely. (My little Abby was quick to point out that this same friend brought us fresh baked bread as well.)

I got texts and e-mails from people who knew I was sick and those who didn’t. Each were sweet reminders of how connected I am in a greater web of caring that goes beyond my own understanding.

My point being made here is that no matter how down one may feel there are so many rays of light that shine through those cloudy moments to try and warm our hearts and heal us. My little Abby is curled up next to me and has just read aloud this blog to me. She smells good, fresh from the bath. Her little giggle lights up my heart. Earlier her little brother William sat with me, just as close, while I read. His hand was on my elbow and his little foot was resting on mine. I smiled and sighed with relief. I know I’m loved. I think I’ll mend.

I wish you all wellness and happiness. Please know that you are loved, too. The signs are closer than you think. Try to open all of your senses and welcome in the light. Looking forward to writing again to you soon.

With love and light,

LT