Gladden Our Spirits

One afternoon something flitting around the bushes caught my eye. She was tiny and quick. Put your pointer finger and thumb together and she could have fit in the middle, her legs thinner than toothpicks. Wisps really. Her hopping like a falling leaf and her sweet olive green complexion to match gave her away. As rapid as her movements were, her presence was gentle, calming, heart-warming.

I had never seen a ruby-crowned kinglet before. I didn’t even know they existed, but there she was a beautiful gift on a cold winter’s day.

She’s come to see me each winter for the last several years now, and I find myself waiting and hoping each time for her return. Happy to see her each year and breathing a sigh of relief when I do, I wondered if I would ever meet her boyfriend, that ruby-crowned fellow.

Over Christmas, while visiting my parents house, I noticed a certain familiar hippity hop in the bushes. “Hello,” I said. “Who do we have here?” I bent down slowly to take a peek and there he was getting a good looksee at me, too, a little ruby-crowned kinglet himself! I about fell over in surprise and excitement at which point he promptly said good bye, and I ran off practically skipping towards the house with childlike delight to tell my parents and sisters.

That wasn’t the end of my creative Christmas gifts for the year. After returning home after our family visit, I was making trips back and forth to the car. As I paused to catch my breath, I noticed a flit and flutter to my right. I couldn’t believe my eyes: three eastern bluebirds in my yard. A first for my home and aptly named the birds of happiness, they filled my heart with such joy.

And today, after weeks and months of good but hard work and in desperate need of sunshine and repose, I caught a true glimpse of beauty as I glanced out the window to see not one but two rose-breasted grosbeaks at our feeders. One even shone brightly with the shape of a heart on his chest.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (Matthew 6:25-27, New International Version NIV)

Oh, God, you catch our eyes just when we need you to and you capture our imagination and gladden our spirits. Many thanks for flashing that beauty at us and reminding us to take a minute to breathe and to enjoy this life we’ve been given, to let go of everything else and just marvel in your gift of life.

Take a moment not to worry. Look at a bird or close your eyes and listen for one. Both song and sight will help your heart take flight.

With love and light,

LT

Let's Play!

My favorite playtime as a child involved creating great scenes for storytelling. I would spend hours setting the stage. The mosses and rocks in my front yard were my favorite tools. I would carve out rivers and valleys and line them with the blue rocks that had fallen from our (believe-it-or-not) blue-pebbled roof. The moss would create intricate landscapes in which my sister’s Star Wars characters arranged themselves. My mother finally gave up trying to collect her spoons back from our natural masterpieces and bought a new set.

Although, I fondly remember the comforting feeling this focused play gave me as I worked to build each story, I find that watching my children play brings me an even greater delight.

I love that from the moment that William could crawl towards a door he would open and close it. A wee babe, he would open and shut, open and shut, open and shut any door or cabinet he could inch towards. To this day, his play fascinates me. He wants to know how things work. His favorite play space is the floor. He is very fair towards all of his toys and seems to give them all equal time. I love seeing the choices he makes each morning. Which special police car or fire truck made it into his precious hands? Is it an airplane or series of monster trucks? Who will he ask to bring with us on our morning drive?

In the evening, you can probably find him surrounded by a train track or at the completion of a Lincoln log jail with traps in place. If it’s a Lego set, you can’t pull him away from it until it is complete. He’ll sit for hours working through each step or work without instructions and create house after house and vehicle after vehicle. His intricacy, symmetry and attention to detail are mind-boggling.

His sister Abby delights in caring for her stuffed animals and dolls. She loves to change their outfits by the hour to make sure they are appropriately prepared for each moment of their day. She’ll also take time to create new clothes for them. It started with mermaid tails made of paper. Her animals were beautifully adorned with tails of every color. I wish I had a picture. Then one day when I was sick, she threw a Hello Kitty Party for me to make me feel better. Called to the living room, I found each of her stuff animals adorned with a special Hello Kitty mask and special masks made for her brother William, his lovey Lion, and for me. What a party we had. For Halloween, each of her Barbies had specially crafted costumes, from a tiger to a bluebird to a puppydog. I think there were eight in all. Inspired by a Christmas gift from her Aunt Sarah that included a lesson on sewing through owl pillow making, Abby transitioned to fabric costumes, creating a beautiful new purple gown for her Sofia doll with two buttons no less.

If she’s not changing a dolls outfit or creating costumes or accessories, you can find Abby in the art room (originally our dining room) in all sorts of creative activities. She might be painting, she might be creating a bracelet, or she might be creating a beaded butterfly for a backpack. What I love about her sweet heart is that when she is working on these projects it is most likely with someone else in mind. It’s for her friend Emiko, who she still misses since she transitioned schools two years ago, or perhaps it’s for Caitlin, a sweet friend who we never see enough of. She’s drawing a picture of Isa in a beautiful blue gown or her godsister Ella in green. Maybe she’s made something for me or for her daddy, but I can promise you, every project she works on, she’s thinking of someone else. That makes my heart feel really good, and I’m glad to see that it brings her such joy as well.

There are certain things that Andrew and I strive to teach our children. We have great hopes for them. And although I have worked to provide playful activities for my children and encourage them, I did not teach my children any of these arts of play. These explorations, this creativity, their abilities are unique to their little selves. It is exciting to imagine what these strong focuses and interests might lead to one day.

I can see how my own childhood playfulness has transitioned to part of my adulthood. By trade, I have become a storyteller. I still continue to set the stage so that a fascinating and inspiring story can be told. It may be that I’m prepping a magazine, a webpage, a brochure or a presentation, each crafted with the same precision, care and embellishment that I approached each moss creation as a child. Realizing those playful connections, it makes me want to encourage my children even more to take that time to play, to explore, and to grow because I know it will stay with them and that connection will continue to bring them joy.

For now, I’m thankful that they find happiness in play, that they are able to find focus, that they are able to find success at the completion of a project, and that they also enjoy sharing these gifts with others. William always wants to invite others into his world of play as well as to help others through whatever challenges they find themselves facing. “Come, play with me,” he says. Abby always wants to give to others and bring them joy. “Here, I made this for you,” sweet Abby says with a smile.

So I say, bring on the moss, rocks, and spoons! Encourage the construction paper mermaid tails with string! Champion the Legos made with pattern or by pure ingenuity! Let them play! Let them play! Let them play!

With Love and Light,

LT

Needing Polly Positive- My Messy Beautiful

You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a Pollyanna. I’m a glass half-full, overflowing kind of gal. I see opportunities rather than problems…most of the time.

I didn’t just get here though. It’s been a lifelong process, and I have to re-up my membership to the Polly Positives regularly.

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There are scenes from movies, quotes from speeches, moments in time that just stick with you. I still remember one of those significant lessons received as a five or six year old while sitting in my friend Rebecca’s sunroom; it’s where the TV in their house was. I don’t think anyone else was around. They had all seen the Disney classic “Pollyanna” before and had dispersed to other areas for play. I was mesmerized.

I hadn’t seen many movies in my young years. My timid, want-to-do-the-right-thing attitude wasn’t sure that it was ok if I sat there by myself watching it, but I couldn’t take my eyes away. Then she said it. Pollyanna shared the story of the Christmas that she had so hoped for the special doll and how all that had come in the mission barrel had been crutches. Crushed, she looked to her father for advice. Oh, Pollyanna, the heart so filled with expectation because she was so loved. I imagined her father’s face, too, because he loved her so. I imagined him downtrodden, and yet he said, "At least we can be 'glad' that we don’t have to use them," and Pollyanna smiled. GAME CHANGER! ATTITUDE CHANGER!

I still remember the orange tiles I was sitting on as I watched the movie. They were big squares. The windows were dark with night and the couches and chairs in the room were empty. I was alone but not alone. I had an extreme feeling of love. There was such greatness in that moment. Little did I know it at the time, but I was making a choice. I wanted to believe in the good. I wanted to believe that there was still life after tragedy. Suffering was not forever. No, you don’t have to stay down. You can get up! You can! And, that love surrounds you. All you have to do is accept it and be glad.

Now, you may not believe it because I am Pollyanna, but I have had down times since that pivotal moment. (Note: So have the rest of the Pollyannas. Pollyannas are not perfect. No one is. Go easy on them. You need them, and they hurt as much as you do. Spoiler Alert: Pollyanna lost both of her parents and fell out of a tree and became paralyzed, yet she still found a way to smile.)

I have experienced loss of self, loss of confidence, loss of direction, loss of love. There have been some seriously low points, but as I look back at them I recognize I was never alone and something or someone was always pulling me back to myself.

Ultimately, regardless of the kindnesses and support shown to me, I was the only one that could make the choice to re-engage in what I had been given.

In my lowest of the low I asked for help.

There was a phone call, about 9 o’clock a.m. to my mother, “Momma, I need help. I don’t know what’s wrong, but I know I need help.” My parents came to pick me up from school. I didn’t look at my friends. I left.

I walked away from the cocktail party. I called my best friend. “What have I done? I think I’ve made a terrible mistake. What have I done?” I had trusted someone I shouldn’t have.

I'm beating my hands on the floor. Is this the way life is going to be? Am I always going to be alone? Wait, I feel something. Is that peace? Oh, ok, I still feel sad, but I feel you. Thanks for listening.

It was noon; I was driving. I called my priest and said, “I thought I was making the right decision. Why does it feel so wrong? I’m confused.” 

I’m tired. I’m working long hours. Everyone needs me. I can’t find any time to be by myself and even thinking about trying to find that time makes me feel guilty. I’m a full-time working mom. And yet, my husband quietly does the dishes and fixes spaghetti.

So it still happens. I can still get a little lost, but I am a Pollyanna. I claim it. I want it.  This life is a gift. I want to enjoy it. There is so much love in the world. I want to share it, and I want to accept it. I want to celebrate goodness, and I want to try to make a difference. Being Pollyanna feels good. It feels so much better than giving into the darkness.

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I hope you’ll make time to watch “Pollyanna.” It’s an oldie but goodie. There are several scenes in which Pollyanna visits some grumpy neighbors who have given up on life. In their homes, she discovers they all have lovely prisms that reflect the sunlight and create rainbow images. Although the owners do not realize what beauty they already possess, Pollyanna does and wants to share those beautiful discoveries with others and to help those who are lost discover the beauty and love right under their noses. I love that through these simple prisms of light, she refocuses those around her and sets their hearts on fire with love. Their loneliness fades away. Through the light, through the rainbows and promises of love, she brings people together.

God, I don’t know what to pray sometimes, but I love you. Thank you for loving me. Although it is sometimes challenging and hard, I am so grateful for this life. I know I cannot do this without you. Thank you for holding me, guiding me and strengthening me for the journey. Thank you for recognizing that I have a tendency to close my eyes. I appreciate your continued effort to shine a bright light upon my face to wake me up so that I may find fulfillment in this life and recognize that I, too, can share love and kindness.

With love and light,

LT

This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — I am thankful to Glennon for bringing us together! I'm also very honored to help her celebrate the 1st birthday of Carry On Warrior! Congratulations, Glennon, and thank you! 

To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!

http://momastery.com/carry-on-warrior

Sick and Happy

So for the past three weeks, I’ve had some sort of bug. It started as a cold and then turned into bronchitis, which knocked me off my feet for several days. To say the least, it has been frustrating. I’ve missed what normalcy can be expected in my day-to-day life. I’ve missed not being able to think straight because I just don’t have the brain power. I’ve missed not being able to help my children, especially reading them stories. I’ve missed conversations. I’ve missed being with people. I’ve missed my job and the people I work with. I’ve missed feeling useful. It’s been a bit of a downer to be honest.

But here are some things that have kept me positive while I’ve been sick…

I’ve loved listening to my husband and children giggle together and hearing them ask him for something first before they ask me. It makes me feel good about the solidarity of their relationships.

I’m proud of my team at work. I was incapable of helping them. They pulled together and made magic happen. It makes me happy that this week brought them greater self-confidence and reaffirmation of what they are doing.

I finished reading Ann Patchett’s collection of short stories and essays entitled “This is the Story of Happy Marriage.” If you relish in good writing, I highly recommend this compilation to you. It also reminds me how thankful I am for the circle of friends who I read and discuss books with regularly. Although I can’t be with them as often as I would like, their presence in my life brings me comfort and solidarity.

I was reminded how much I miss my small group ministry of bible study and the strength I gain from going to church every Sunday. These two disciplines are key to helping me stay centered. Thank God that Calvary Episcopal Church posts their sermons online every week for those of us unable to make it to services. And I know my Thursday Theological Thinkers were praying for me, which helped me feel less lonely during my illness. One kind friend even brought me soup, which warmed my heart immensely. (My little Abby was quick to point out that this same friend brought us fresh baked bread as well.)

I got texts and e-mails from people who knew I was sick and those who didn’t. Each were sweet reminders of how connected I am in a greater web of caring that goes beyond my own understanding.

My point being made here is that no matter how down one may feel there are so many rays of light that shine through those cloudy moments to try and warm our hearts and heal us. My little Abby is curled up next to me and has just read aloud this blog to me. She smells good, fresh from the bath. Her little giggle lights up my heart. Earlier her little brother William sat with me, just as close, while I read. His hand was on my elbow and his little foot was resting on mine. I smiled and sighed with relief. I know I’m loved. I think I’ll mend.

I wish you all wellness and happiness. Please know that you are loved, too. The signs are closer than you think. Try to open all of your senses and welcome in the light. Looking forward to writing again to you soon.

With love and light,

LT