You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a Pollyanna. I’m a glass half-full, overflowing kind of gal. I see opportunities rather than problems…most of the time.
I didn’t just get here though. It’s been a lifelong process, and I have to re-up my membership to the Polly Positives regularly.
---
There are scenes from movies, quotes from speeches, moments
in time that just stick with you. I still remember one of those significant
lessons received as a five or six year old while sitting in my friend Rebecca’s
sunroom; it’s where the TV in their house was. I don’t think anyone else was
around. They had all seen the Disney classic “Pollyanna” before and had
dispersed to other areas for play. I was mesmerized.
I hadn’t seen many movies
in my young years. My timid, want-to-do-the-right-thing attitude wasn’t sure
that it was ok if I sat there by myself watching it, but I couldn’t take my eyes
away. Then she said it. Pollyanna shared the story of the Christmas that she
had so hoped for the special doll and how all that had come in the mission barrel had been crutches.
Crushed, she looked to her father for advice. Oh, Pollyanna, the heart so
filled with expectation because she was so loved. I imagined her father’s face,
too, because he loved her so. I imagined him downtrodden, and yet he said, "At
least we can be 'glad' that we don’t have to use them," and Pollyanna smiled.
GAME CHANGER! ATTITUDE CHANGER!
I still remember the orange tiles I was sitting on as I
watched the movie. They were big squares. The windows were dark with night and
the couches and chairs in the room were empty. I was alone but not alone. I had
an extreme feeling of love. There was such greatness in that moment. Little did
I know it at the time, but I was making a choice. I wanted to believe in the
good. I wanted to believe that there was still life after tragedy. Suffering
was not forever. No, you don’t have to stay down. You can get up! You can! And,
that love surrounds you. All you have to do is accept it and be glad.
Now, you may not believe it because I am Pollyanna, but I
have had down times since that pivotal moment. (Note: So have the rest of the
Pollyannas. Pollyannas are not perfect. No one is. Go easy on them. You need
them, and they hurt as much as you do. Spoiler Alert: Pollyanna lost both of
her parents and fell out of a tree and became paralyzed, yet she still found a
way to smile.)
I have experienced loss of self, loss of confidence, loss of
direction, loss of love. There have been some seriously low points, but as I
look back at them I recognize I was never alone and something or someone was
always pulling me back to myself.
Ultimately, regardless of the kindnesses and
support shown to me, I was the only one that could make the choice to re-engage
in what I had been given.
In my lowest of the low I asked for help.
There was a phone
call, about 9 o’clock a.m. to my mother, “Momma, I need help. I don’t know
what’s wrong, but I know I need help.” My parents came to pick me up from
school. I didn’t look at my friends. I left.
I walked away from the cocktail party. I called my best
friend. “What have I done? I think I’ve made a terrible mistake. What have I
done?” I had trusted someone I shouldn’t have.
I'm beating my hands on the floor. Is this the way life is going to be? Am I always going to be alone? Wait, I feel something. Is that peace? Oh, ok, I still feel sad, but I feel you. Thanks for listening.
It was noon; I was driving. I called my priest and said, “I
thought I was making the right decision. Why does it feel so wrong? I’m
confused.”
I’m tired. I’m working long hours. Everyone needs me. I
can’t find any time to be by myself and even thinking about trying to find that
time makes me feel guilty. I’m a full-time working mom. And yet, my husband quietly does the dishes and fixes spaghetti.
So it still happens. I can still get a little lost, but I am
a Pollyanna. I claim it. I want it. This
life is a gift. I want to enjoy it. There is so much love in the world. I want
to share it, and I want to accept it. I want to celebrate goodness, and I want
to try to make a difference. Being Pollyanna feels good. It feels so much
better than giving into the darkness.
---
I hope you’ll make time to watch “Pollyanna.” It’s an oldie
but goodie. There are several scenes in which Pollyanna visits some grumpy
neighbors who have given up on life. In their homes, she discovers they all
have lovely prisms that reflect the sunlight and create rainbow images. Although
the owners do not realize what beauty they already possess, Pollyanna does and
wants to share those beautiful discoveries with others and to help those who are lost discover the beauty and love right under their noses. I love
that through these simple prisms of light, she refocuses those around her and sets
their hearts on fire with love. Their loneliness fades away. Through the light,
through the rainbows and promises of love, she brings people together.
God, I don’t know what
to pray sometimes, but I love you. Thank you for loving me. Although it is
sometimes challenging and hard, I am so grateful for this life. I know I cannot
do this without you. Thank you for holding me, guiding me and strengthening me
for the journey. Thank you for recognizing that I have a tendency to close my
eyes. I appreciate your continued effort to shine a bright light upon my face to
wake me up so that I may find fulfillment in this life and recognize that I,
too, can share love and kindness.
With love and light,
LT
This
essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — I am thankful to Glennon for bringing us together! I'm also very honored to help her celebrate the 1st birthday of Carry On Warrior! Congratulations, Glennon, and thank you!
To learn more
and join us, CLICK HERE! And
to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The
Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!
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