Bad Day, Sweet Dreams

I went to bed with a smile on my face, but people, let me tell you, it took some effort!

I love my job. It allows me to easily go to work with my children and even sneak a hug at lunchtime most days. Believe me; I don’t take this incredible blessing for granted.

There are sometimes I get stretched thin. I’ve always been a give-110% kind of person. I don’t half do anything, which can be exhausting. Trying to be 110% at work, 110% wife and 110% mom, plus the other 110%’s I try…those numbers don’t really add up. I keep trying until I can barely see straight.

If I’m being honest, because doing a good job at work makes me feel like I’m making a difference in the lives of others including the life I provide for my husband and children, it often dominates my thoughts. It must be done well and meet my expectations of excellence. This includes the encouragement and empowerment of the team that reports to me. If productivity is disrupted, it weighs on me heavily.

So suddenly, I don’t sleep at night. Free time seems non-existent.

I pray. I always pray. But there have been times as of late that my prayers have seemed hollow. I don’t seem to be connecting with the right prayers to open myself up to the assistance I know I need. Each morning, among other prayers, I thank God for another opportunity to try again and ask for help acknowledging that I cannot do it without God’s help. I pray this and trudge on not truly opening myself and clearing my mind and heart for true help.

Yesterday I had had it. It felt like every other hour was another slap in the face. By the end of the day I was done. I was frustrated. I missed the time I had given up with my family, but I was too angry with the stress of the day to be able to even give quality time to them, which added to the frustration. So, I grit my teeth and worked to be as good as I possibly could to the people around me. This of course was not anywhere close to 110% but at least I was functioning. Everyone ate, everyone got their baths, everyone did their homework, teeth were brushed and stories were even read. Good night kisses were given and suddenly the house was quiet. I jumped in the bath.

By the time I was dry and in pjs, I realized the whole house was quiet. Andrew had even hit the sack. I knew I wasn’t ready. I needed something; I needed the quiet.

I read.

I watched a movie.

I gave myself some time. Uninterrupted time.

Thank God!

There I was. In my house and ok. My sweet babies were asleep upstairs. I gently checked on them and kissed them a second goodnight. As I slid into bed so as not to wake up Andrew, I curled up and began to dream. A smile came to my lips. Never have I had such delicious memories tell stories one after another in my mind. If this is what meditation allows, oh dear God, I hope I can do it again.

I met Andrew. There we were at the Grove again. I knew everything would be ok. The sun was shining.

Sweet baby Abby. She’s wearing the pink argyle dress and meeting all of Nannie’s friends for the first time. She is asleep in Miss Kathy’s lap.

Oh, William, “What an Ice Guy” you are showing off those baby toes and grinning in the Christmas lights.

We’re walking on a bright fall morning. Pushing up the hill to the playground. Giggles abound, and we all ignore the static on the slide. Round and round we go.

The memories kept coming; these were only a few.

I can’t remember when I drifted to sleep, but I do know there was a smile on my face. It never stopped.

Dear God, I thank you for always leading me back. I know you realize I mean well and that I just don’t always get it right. Thank you for helping me find a way to make it all right again so I can be better for you and yours.

With love and light,

LT