Well, my heart just about burst today. The pressure had been
building over several days and today it reached a whole new level. I had to
take a time out to gather my thoughts and to spend time with God in reflection.
I knew I was experiencing something extraordinary and wanted to embrace it and
accept it fully.
It all began with a special birthday.
I know I’ve had special birthdays in the past…the time my
parents threw me a party at the old amusement park in Little Rock including a
ride around its ancient merry-go-round and the time I got to host a dance,
albeit in a tiny little rented out room at a local tennis club but a dance
none-the-less for my thirteenth birthday. The eve of my twenty-seventh birthday
upon which Andrew proposed to me is among the best, but this year’s was
especially unique. It wasn’t just one moment that was special. It was hours and
hours and hours of love being poured out from every connection I could imagine.
I was overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and care shared with me on this
anniversary of my birth.
After an exhausting yet rewarding day at work, the
celebration began with a simple surprise dinner planned by my children and
husband that included flowers picked out especially by son and daughter, a
decorated TV tray with pasta and a ukulele serenade. The joy continued with
cupcakes, hugs, cards and an abundance of calls, texts and messages via
facebook. There was nothing grand about this birthday, it just happened to remind
me second after second of how loved I am. My heart and mind were open to the
acceptance of that love giving me access to that thin space that lies between
us and God. It was a pure taste of heaven.
The joy continued throughout the weekend, and this morning,
I came to the mountaintop as I reflected on the words presented by The Rev. Dr. Dan Matthews, who was visiting my church, Calvary Episcopal Church, as a guest
preacher and speaker. As Dr. Matthew’s reflected on John’s gospel reading of
the woman at the well (John 4:5-42), he said, “It always changes your life when
you find acceptance.”
I had yet been able to express how I felt about this
birthday. That simple statement of Dr. Matthews’ summed it up for me.
Regardless of past or recent mistakes or self-professed failings, over the past
48 hours more than a hundred people had reached out to wish me well and to
celebrate me. Not only did this morning’s reflection enable me to recognize
God’s boundless love reaching out to me through each loving and kind word
shared with me, it also gave me a moment to realize that perhaps what had made
this birthday so special was also my own acceptance of myself.
This message to us during the service began to help shed
light on my birthday reflections, but it was his following presentation on
incarnational theology that brought it into powerful perspective. As I listened
to him describe his own faith experience and vocation through the Episcopal
Church, I found myself beaming with agreement and felt tears welling up in my
eyes. He gave example after example of the Episcopal Church choosing to act in
love and recognizing ours and others humanness. I won’t try to fully explain
his views on incarnational theology here but promise to post his class as soon
as it is available online. In simple terms, it’s about approaching each person
who crosses your path with boundless love. That’s how I’ve tried to live my
live, and I am grateful to all those who have shared God’s love with me.
Dr. Matthews’ words connected deeply with my soul. The love
he was describing, I had recently experienced in all its glory. As the class
ended, I stood and tried to walk out of the class space as discreetly and as
quickly as possible. I knew I was experiencing a holy moment (and I was about
to lose it…I mean fall apart from it’s intensity).
I walked into the empty church and fell into the second pew.
Sunlight beamed down upon me as tears streamed down my face. I wept…not in
sadness but from great happiness and in sincere gratitude. They were tears of
immense joy brought upon by my ability in that moment to acknowledge and
embrace the full grace of God.
I took healing and strengthening breaths. I imaged with each
breath the Holy Spirit filling my lungs with strength for the journey I would
face again when I walked down off of this mountain and back out that door. I
stared into the beautiful stained glass window before me. The longer I sat
there the brighter the colors became and the clearer the image in front of me.
I realized it was the baptismal font, the image reminding me of the promises I
have made:
Will
you proclaim by word and example the Good
News of God in Christ?
I
will, with God’s help.
Will
you seek and serve Christ in all persons, loving
your neighbor as yourself?
I
will, with God’s help.
Will
you strive for justice and peace among all people, and respect the dignity of
every human being?
I
will, with God’s help.
(The Book of Common Prayer, pg. 305)
I smiled. I took deeper breaths. I gave myself some time. I
reckoned that it took Moses 40 days to come off of the mountaintop. I smiled
again. I took another deep breath.
After promising to continue striving to live into my
baptismal promises as best I could, my eyes raised further. There in the upmost
point of the window, at it’s brightest, was the dove, the Holy Spirit Itself. I
stared at the image, the light powerful and yet comfortingly not forcing my
eyes to close. They stayed fixed upon the light until the brightness of the
dove was emblazoned upon my sight and led me forward, the center of my vision.
Boundless love for my birthday. Thanks to God and to all of
you for sharing this most amazing birthday gift. God give me the strength to
share the same with others.
With love and light,
LT
